“If you could give a piece of advice to yourself at the age of eighteen, what would it be?”
“Have more sex.”

“People waste way too much energy taking things personally. That Facebook post is probably not about you. It was probably an accident that you weren’t tagged in that picture. And the person you’re dating is probably acting sad because that’s how they respond to setbacks at work, not because of anything you did.”

“The economy’s tough. They say that to stay relevant in the job market, you’re supposed to reinvent yourself every five years. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I haven’t invented myself once!”

“I hate conflict so much that I find myself agreeing with pretty much everything that everyone says.”

“We were at a bar watching some Baltimore Orioles game. I remember that Cal Ripken was about to break some kind of record. My husband kept getting drunker and drunker, and he was trying to get me drunk too, so I knew something was going on. Then finally he said: ‘I fell in love with another woman.’ So I punched him in the stomach and told him to go to bed.”

“We depend on each other more than we used to.”

“My younger sister died when I was seven. I remember my mom asking if I’d seen her, and we searched the whole house, and discovered her beneath some hurricane shutters. We think that she climbed up on them to play, and they fell down on her. My strongest memory from that day is these two young girls, holding open our front door when the paramedics arrived. I can see them clearly in my memory, but I don’t know who they are. I may have just invented them, but I like to think that they were angels.”

“We were a two career family. I was a nuclear engineer. I designed shields for the fuel reactors on the first nuclear submarines. He was a carpenter.”

"You can make about 75% more money with a cat on your head than you can with a cat on your shoulder."

“My grandmother always told me: ‘It doesn’t matter if you’re crippled, blind, or crazy. All this world cares about is how you survive. As long as you don’t do drugs or go to jail, you’re gonna be fine.’”
“What do you mean by: ‘The world only cares about how you survive?’”
“The only thing people care about is if you’re working, and if you’re paying your taxes. I worked for the city for six years. During the time that I was working, I was Mr. Matthew Phillips. The moment that I wasn’t able to work anymore, I became a social security number.’”

"Being disabled in America is like living in a third world country."

"What’s your largest remaining goal in life?"
"I’m just a tourist in this world. I’m not trying to affect anything."

Dating Game

"One of the magical things about theater is that it gathers a crowd of people in a quiet space, and each member of the audience gets to see how people respond differently to the different things being said on stage. The person next to you will laugh at something that you’d never think of laughing at, and you’ll get a glimpse into all the different ways of viewing the world. Unfortunately, so much theater today is less nuanced. It gives you a large dose of one way of thinking, in hopes of getting as many of the same type of people into the theater as possible."

"I’m writing a play about the nature of truth, and how difficult it is to convey the truth when everybody is speaking a different language. For example, the word ‘terrorist’ and the word ‘freedom fighter’ are used to refer to the exact same people at the exact same time. With everyone speaking differently, truth is almost impossible to agree upon. Yet believing in the existence of truth is the only thing that keeps us from devolving into tribal warfare. Because without the existence of truth, the person who is most powerful becomes the person who is right."

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